Blessed Blossom: Saudade

Sunday
June 8th, 2014
3:43pm

I just got home from work, shove a few garments in a duffel bag and take Trevor outside to go to the bathroom. I'm so excited to head back home in Morrison for a few days and hang out with the family, plus a few extra family members that are visiting from out of town.

3:48pm

Text from mom: "Can you talk?"

This threw me off. Very curt and unlike the way my mom usually texts.

3:49pm

I call mom.

"Hey hun."

"Hey mom, how are you guys?!"

"Not good sweetie."

"What? Why not?"

*Crying*

"What's the matter mom?"

"Honey, Suvan died today."

I cannot move. I cannot feel my body. The pine trees and river that were once surrounding me and Trevor during his bathroom break go completely out of focus. Even trevor goes out of focus. He could have run off and I wouldn't even have noticed. All I can see is a fuzzy white vignette surrounding my vision and Suvan's face right in the middle of it.

I can't seem to process what she said. She's crying now, I can hear her sobs.

"What. No..... No." I say the word "no" as if it will change everything and make her confess to some sick idea of a joke... or maybe I'm trying to convince myself that it hasn't happened. I think mostly though it is because I cannot picture a world without Suvan in it. The thought of a world without him is unfathomable to me. Him and his big brown eyes and his fluffy butt that always wiggled when I walked in the door, always followed shortly by his excited snorting sounds that made me giggle every time.

When I finally process the idea that he won't be at the door when I walk in... that he never ever will be again. When I finally get that thought through my mind, I suddenly am overcome with anger.

"Wait what. What happened?" Now I'm shouting slightly.

More crying from my mom.

"Mom! What happened?" I'm not angry at my mom, or dad, or Suvan, or God. I'm just angry. Just so incredibly angry... and angry tears are starting to stream down my face.

"He had a blood clot in his lung. All of the sudden he was having trouble breathing, so dad took him to the vet right away. Minutes after arriving, the vet came out to dad and said that he wasn't going to last much longer. So dad went to the back and Suvan looked at him like everything was okay, then his eyes dilated and he died."

"No. No... NO. He can't... what?! No!"

Now I'm on my knees and hunched into a small ball on the pavement, still unaware of my surroundings. Loud noises escape my mouth... I've definitely cried before. But something about this one is so different. Helpless, I guess. I don't think that I have ever cried quite this way before.

I've sat down to finish this post about 4 different times now, over the course of three days. And I can never seem to finish. Like no matter what I say, it simply will not do justice to the presence and outlook that he has added to my life. And none of the words I type here can ever come close to that. But still, he deserved so much more than a "RIP" post on Facebook.

He went too soon. He was only 7 and a half years old. He wasn't supposed to go yet. But I'm less sad now than I was when I started writing this post a few days ago... now I'm happier. I'm so happy that I had those years with him. I'm happy he changed my life in such a fluffy, positive way. I'm so happy that he gave me, my family, and friends a source of happiness for so many years.

Whenever I see something of his, a leash, a photograph of us on an adventure - oh how he loved adventures - or even just randomly think about him, I am sad, but in such a happy way.

I see the way he'd lay his head on my lap and make me feel like everything was okay. The way he'd stare at every piece of popcorn with a neurotic disposition as it entered my mouth while watching a movie, and how that made me chuckle every time. The way he'd walk up to me if I was sitting on the ground and he'd put his head on my lap but leave his fluffy butt in the air and wiggle it around while I scratched him. The way he'd let you know it was "almost" time for him to eat an hour and a half before it was his dinner time. The way he could balance a treat on his nose for me until I told him to "Get it!". The way he would always lay under the kitchen table during meals, always keeping my toes nice and warm. And how he loved to put his face between my knees and just sit there. I feel happier and I start crying harder. I still can't fully process it.

I also think of a word. A word that has no direct English translation. A word that I have loved for a long time now...

Saudade

"Saudade was once described as "the love that remains" after someone is gone. Saudade is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something that should be there in a particular moment is missing, and the individual feels this absence."

The sadness for missing but the happiness for having experienced.